Why The Mental Load Matters in Our Marriages
- Rachel Jones
- Aug 5
- 4 min read
I am writing this post from a very vulnerable and personal place this month. As I write this, I have been in tears from complete overwhelm with the mental load I have been carrying in my marriage. I have a supportive husband; I am very fond of him and appreciate immensely the relationship we are building together. My mental load challenge is both a relationship issue as well as a self-issue. The mental load I deal with and manage often comes from my own doing. I am a high-achiever, productivity seeker, and a multi-tasker by nature. The tears came today and honestly, I knew they’d probably show up eventually, because I have been taking on so much and not asking for help or being willing to distribute what’s on my plate to my husband.
I also want to recognize that there are many partners who carry large mental loads because their partner is unable, unwilling, expects them to, or their partner “feels they can’t” take on certain parts. For these partners, I see you and I feel for you.
The mental load is a common topic in couples therapy today. I think we finally have language around it and have finally begun talking about it out loud, versus keeping it to ourselves and invalidating it. The mental load is often referred to as the invisible and/or ongoing work of managing a household and family that falls to typically one partner more than the other. It requires a cognitive and emotional effort to keep life running without any hiccups.
Some common examples of the mental load are:
Remembering appointments as well as scheduling them.
Planning the meals, creating new meals, and shopping for the meals
Creating the chore charts, rewards charts, and growth charts.
Being the emotional or mental support person for the family.
The list is more cumulative than this ,and it looks very personal for each of us.
The mental load I have been carrying for the last few days is this:
Make it to the Occupational Therapy Appointment
Make it to Physical Therapt Appointment
Confirm Dentist Appointment
Prep chicken to shred for meals this week
Text the student’s mom whose lunch box came home with us
Go through the closet to make room for bigger-sized clothes for our daughter
Create obstacle course ideas for support with PT and OT needs
Remembers to blow up the Water Unicorn for the play date
Register for summer camp and swim lessons
And I’ll stop there because looking at the whole list is making me overwhelmed again. The mental load is non-stop, and while some weeks are lighter or easier, it never stops. This load impacts my stress, my sleep, my relationship, and my sense of worth at times.
Last night, my daughter wanted me to wash her hair instead of my husband, and the mental load said “one more thing,” and, luckily, my husband could see the stress, and he navigated it with my daughter. I sat at my desk trying to finish work while feeling guilty that I wasn’t washing her hair, which led to the emotional thoughts of “I need to be better, I need to prioritize her, I should stop what I’m doing…” and many more thoughts. This is the mental load.
When couples come into therapy with me, this is a common topic we navigate. As one partner tries to explain how they are feeling, it is common for the other partner to be defensive or put the blame on their partner for how they are feeling. It’s a tricky conversation to have, AND it’s an important conversation to have.
Talking about the mental load and its impacts can help alleviate parts of it and also build connections.
When I share with my husband all I have going on in this brain of mine, I am not always looking for him to take part of the load off. Oftentimes, I am asking him to just know what it is I am thinking through, handling or managing. As he listens to me, acknowledges it, and sees me through it, I feel the load lighten or find the strength/energy to keep engaging with it.
Talking about it also helps me know if there are parts I can share or ask for help with. I often feel like “I’m tough, I can do it,” and that is not always helpful. I struggle to lean on my partner in this way and let him support me and be there for me. It builds a connection with my husband when I ask if he can support or take over something on my mental load list. He gets to be my teammate, and I get to lean on him!
These conversations can also help create space for self-care or encouragement for it. The mental load is going to be there no matter what–there’s no truly getting rid of it as life is constantly in motion. We need to prioritize caring for ourselves while managing the mental load. Taking space to relax, recharge, and care for yourself is necessary. This also requires your partner's support, whether that be finding time to do it and making sure your partner can support the family and home during that, OR even the accountability to make sure it is happening. My husband often says, “Rach, just sit down. Breathe, let it be for a bit.” You get to ask your partner for support, accountability, and encouragement with navigating the mental load.
The mental load matters in our marriages because it impacts both of us. Each of us has a mental load we are carrying, and we often do not know what it is because we are not talking about it. I know I am guilty of assuming my husband doesn’t have a mental load, but he does. The things on his mental load are no less important than mine. They both matter, they both exist, and we both need support.
If I could have you take anything away from this post this month, it is this:
The mental load you are each carrying matters. Stop using the mental load as a weapon, a complaint, or a reason to get divorced. Start using it as a way to build connection, to find support, and to grow together.
And if you need a practical tip to help with the mental load: try taking a digital detox! I did this after hitting the mental load overwhelm, and it helped me immensely!
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