Crucial Conversations

Crucial Conversations

I started reading a new book called Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Greeny, McMillan, and Switzler. It intrigued me because so many of the couples I sit with come from either the need to have crucial conversations or from not having these types of conversations. There is an Instagram influencer I follow called @stylefitfatty, and I see examples of crucial conversations going left unsaid, often with some of the questions her followers submit each week. 

Conversations like: 

• I want another child, and he/she doesn’t.

• I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm, and I don’t know if I will with my partner.

• My partner plays video games all the time, and I feel neglected. Should I leave them?

• I’m having an affair, and it’s the most loved I’ve felt in a long time.

• My partner doesn’t believe in postpartum depression, and I am so scared of what will happen the next time I’m pregnant if I find myself feeling this.

• Politics is tearing our home apart, and I don’t know what else to do.

And the list could go on. 

As a couples therapist, I am intrigued by all the responses shared in response to some of these challenges and concerns that are presented on her account. You’ll see a range of people encouraging the poster to talk it out with their partner, to people saying leave because they won’t change. In Crucial Conversations, they discuss how we tend to take the easier, less intense way through something. Sometimes that looks like keeping your feelings and thoughts to yourself, sometimes it’s only touching the bare surface of the issue, and sometimes it’s making a life-altering decision without any chance of seeing what else could have played out.

I fear we’ve become a people who struggle to be honest, vulnerable, and real with the one person we are meant to do this with. We have more ways of distracting, avoiding, and disengaging than ever, and these crucial conversations are becoming the pattern of coping that is often chosen.

I can admit I was this person early on in my marriage. I figured it was easier, or maybe better, to just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I’d stuff how I was feeling down until I ran out of space, and then it all came out at the same time. My poor husband didn’t even have a chance to repair with me because I was stuffing my true feelings down for so long, I was all emotion and lost all logic when I was talking with him. 

I was in my own therapy one day, sharing how confused and scared I was because I had started to think about whether I would be happier married to someone else. I started wondering if the grass was greener on the other side, and for the first time since I met my husband found myself envisioning my life with someone else. I’m grateful I had the support I did at the time, as my therapist said, “You need to talk with him. Sooner rather than later.” 

And being the good therapy student I was, I went that evening and told him how I was feeling and asked for us to do couples counseling together. I was so scared he would freak out, not because that’s who he is, but more so because I created this narrative that this was the only way this crucial conversation could go. He surprised me when he said, “Absolutely, let’s start looking for someone right away. I love you, and I know how hard that must have been to say that to me.”

That one crucial conversation has led to many crucial conversations between us. Conversations about whether to have another baby or not, to processing the pain of a miscarriage, discussions around our parenting dynamics and what needs to change, around financial stress and strain, as well as conversations about how we both want to create more intimacy, more play, more fun, more adventure together. Funny thing about crucial conversations is that they get easier the more you have them. You learn to be less afraid of them. You learn to be bolder and honest. You learn to accept that you can connect even if you don’t fully agree on what you are conversing about. 

So how do we have these crucial conversations in our marriages?

First, you need to be honest with yourself. You have to acknowledge how you are feeling and thinking and what you need. What is your truth? And because you need to do this with yourself, you will also need to create the opportunity for your partner to do the same. What is their truth? Remember you both have your own subjective truth, and one is not more right or better than the other. They both matter in finding a path forward together.

Second, you’ve got to set the stage for this crucial conversation. You need to have clarity on your thoughts, feelings, and needs, and be in a headspace that can allow you to share them with your partner with a focus on ensuring you both feel safe and seen. I believe inviting your partner to this conversation and setting a day/time that you both will show up with what you need to share is wise. Many people, including myself, sometimes surprise or blindside their partner with a conversation that leads to conflict. You both deserve to come to the conversation with clear thoughts and needs and a goal of working together. Scheduling the time to have this conversation when you both are ready and in a good place is key.

Third, you have to take turns being the speaker and listener. Both people need to share their thoughts, feelings, and needs, AND then reflect back what they heard to ensure they are tracking with what is being intended to be heard. You do not move into solving it or compromising until you both have had the space to share.

Fourth, you have to choose to work together to find a solution, a compromise, or a plan forward. Your crucial conversation may require multiple conversations, and there is nothing wrong with that. A clear solution, answer, or compromise is not always available during the first time you discuss it, and that’s okay! Be accountable to one another to think about it, reflect on it, and explore the ways you can navigate this together. 

The book itself will describe the steps to navigate these in their own way, and I wanted to share how I have seen these conversations go well throughout my own career. All of this is to say, be willing to have these conversations. See them as an opportunity for growth for you and your partner instead of avoiding them. 

What is a crucial conversation you need to have with your partner? If you need help starting it, please let our team help! We are invested in your becoming masters at these types of conversations. Call us at 317-902-6359 today!