I started my journey as a couples therapist one month postpartum with my daughter. Saturday, February 1st, 2020, I started seeing couples, and it has been a journey. I’m grateful I took the chance, and I’m glad each year I have gotten better at developing my skill set compared to the first year. Here are the most common challenges I have seen in the couples therapy I have provided.

Challenge #1: "I’m right, you’re wrong."

One of the most common challenges in couples work is the conflict management style of fighting to be right. I’ve sat with many couples who come in looking for me to take a side or to help their partner see how their perspective/want/need is more right than the other. The truth is, both partners are right in some ways and wrong in some ways. Therapy is not about the therapist being a mediator or referee for the conflict battle; therapy is focused on helping couples understand what is happening, what they each need, and how to work together to compromise, collaborate, and be supportive of one another. 

If you want to move out of this challenge, you have to:

1. Be willing to explore your partner's perspective with an open mind and curiosity.

2. Embrace the mindset of “maybe I’m wrong in some ways, and maybe I’m right in some ways."

3. Strive to find a path together that builds connection, trust, and shared meaning.

Challenge #2: "I don’t think we’re compatible."

When a couple starts to feel disconnected, it’s common for one partner or both to wonder if they are compatible. This thought begins the process of your mind looking for ways you are either compatible or not, and since our mind is great at protecting, it often scans for the ways we aren’t compatible instead of how we are, OR it makes a small incompatibility into something large. 

I remember making a list in high school called the “Mr. Right” list, thinking these characteristics or details were what would make a guy the right pick for me. And I imagine I’m not alone in thinking about this when it came to finding someone you wanted to connect and build a life with. If I had dated, trying to hit every part of that list, I would still be dating today.

Compatibility is something you create with someone and that you develop for a lifetime. When you begin wondering if you’re compatible, it’s the time to reflect on your shared values and vision for your life, to explore what is in alignment and what is not, and then to make an action plan to grow together. What makes you compatible is meant to continue to grow through your life.

Challenge #3: "I want to fix this, but I don’t want to do the work to fix it."

Let me start by saying that couples do not come in saying this out loud, but it shows up in their actions in therapy. The couple will show up knowing there is a problem, challenge, or area to work on in their relationship, and will say they are invested, but then do not implement the action steps needed to change. They will get frustrated with the process and often say, “We’ve been coming here for months, and things aren’t changing.” Which then leads me to ask how they are implementing what they are learning in session outside of session. An hour of therapy is great, but it’s not enough to make the change needed for the relationship.

For couples therapy to be truly successful and impactful, you’ll need to create an intentional application plan for you and your partner to do in between sessions. Applied knowledge is critical to growth in couples therapy. 

Challenge #4: "You’re not the person I married."

You and your partner are meant to be humans who grow, change, and evolve for a lifetime. You are not meant to be the same person you married on day one. 

Now, I know some people are not the same, and the change that happened was not positive. When who you fell in love with becomes someone who is not expanding who they are but contracting who they are, this needs to be explored and processed on whether positive change could be made or if what each person wants and needs is not in alignment anymore. 

I write about this challenge more for the people who committed to someone for life, with the idea that the person they married was going to be exactly how they were from that day on, forever. Same looks, same interests and likes, same demeanor, etc. Neither you nor your partner know the joys, the trials, the challenges, the losses, the thrills that you will experience the rest of your life. These experiences impact who you are, how you see the world, and what you believe. 

Both of you need to expect that who you were on that wedding day is going to be different throughout your marriage. This does not have to be a bad thing, but similar to the compatibility challenge above, are you looking at this as a negative or an opportunity to fall in love with the growing versions of each of you? 

While I could write more challenges, these are the common themes I’ve seen over the last six years. I share to let you know you are not alone if you identify with these and that there can be change. All of these areas require a desire to grow, to learn, to evolve, and to take action to create the relationship you each desire.

If you need help, our team is here to support you! Reach out for a free consultation today!